This isn’t working for me.
Every word you utter gets settled on the deception scale in my mind. Is this the whole truth? Is there something that isn’t being said? Is this a flat out lie? Lies slip easily from your lips with the greatest of convictions, leaving me to doubt my own sanity. “You’re bat shit crazy” reverberates through my head, as I try to sort out what is the truth, and what is a cunning cover up. My stress level elevates, and every muscle in my body gets tight, every breath I take is shallow and un-nourishing. My mind plays tricks and works it’s way in and out of realistic and fabricated nightmares. I walk a fine line between reality and the horrors that live in my mind. I feel tremendous shame as I am digging through the trash, thinking, “so this is what my marriage has come to?” I am a ruined heap on the floor. I am troubled when I realize that you will go to great lengths to cover up your truths. These petty lies and half truths are not honorable, are not respectable, are not lovable.
And all the while, I blame myself. “If you had just been a better person. If you had just been stronger and more confident. If you wouldn’t have said anything. If you hadn’t been so controlling. Maybe you wouldn’t be in this situation.” I take responsibility for my part all of this, but I never deserved this. I never deserved to feel so alone, and so betrayed.
